Et mourir de plaisir
by Maryland Rose
Summary: Julian finally embraces Caitlin


Et mourir de plaisir

"The bank hostage crisis has been resolved." Caitlin said aloud to the newsroom from her phone. "The police are releasing the hostages now."

"All unharmed?"

"Yes."

"Whew! that was a close one. We almost lost the owner of this place. I would not like to have this sold again."

Caitlin nodded. Ever since she had known that Julian Luna had been among those trapped she had been in turmoil. After Frank Kohanek had told her that she was of no help to anyone at the police station she had turned over the coverage of the crisis to the nearest reporter and had had concentrated in keeping the newsroom working as if everything was normal. Now she wanted more than anything else to be with him, to put her arms around him and hug him.

"That was a close one." she said to herself. Then a stray thought came to her. "Well, this time he did not need my blood."

Why had she thought of that? - she shook her head - she had been working too long.

o

Julian put a comforting arm around the young woman next to him.

"Didn't I tell you that we would come out of this?" he asked her.

She nodded. "How did you do it? You were so calm."

"I was scared. But I knew that they were scared too, and if we did not keep calm they might panic and start shooting."

"Mr. Luna, I would like to take your statement now." Sonny approached him. "And Miss Lacey, too."

He saw the look that Julian gave him. Julian had not been able to feed in the twelve hours that he had spent tied up and sitting on the floor with the other hostages. All he needed now was a few minutes privacy with this young lady who, by the way he read body language, had taken to him as a protector/father figure during the long ordeal - Julian always had that appeal to waifs, and waifs appealed to him, too.

He took them into another room and stood at the door, blocking the entrance for the few minutes in which the young lady was unconscious and Julian took what he needed from her.

"That was a close one. Good thing that we have this link, you and I, and you could keep me posted on what was going on, so I knew what buttons to push in the negotiation. I had a tough time, though, restraining the SWAT team commander. You know, the brother-in-law of the second cousin of the Councilman for the First Ward. If he had pushed in and gotten any hostages killed, then no matter how many brothers-in-law he could produce, he would have had to resign. But that would have been a poor consolation after picking up the bodies. Specially if yours was among them."

"That was what I pointed out to the robbers," he held Miss Lacey's wound closed until he was certain it had stopped bleeding. "that unless they showed restraint and willingness to negotiate, we might all end up in a Waco-like bonfire. I know that man too well, and he scared me more than they did. If I thought that he might be coming through, I would have broken free of the ropes and tackled the robbers myself, with all the dangers involved."

"Well, you did not have to." Thank God for that. Apart from the danger to the hostages, any action heroics from Julian would bring unwelcome attention to him, and indirectly to other Kindred.

"Which is all to the good." He returned his attention to Miss Lacey. "Miss Lacey, Florence, wake up. We just came into this room, and this nice lieutenant wants to get our statements. The sooner we give them, the sooner we can go home. You will be able to sleep in a proper bed instead of the cold floor."

Florence Lacey blinked, then her mind took up with her last conscious thought before Julian had put her under. "I will tell you all that you need, Lieutenant..."

"Lieutenant Toussaint." Sonny said. "Sit down and make yourselves comfortable. I will get you some coffee, if you wish."

o

"Caitlin is waiting for you." Frank said as Julian left the interrogation room. "Do you want me to tell her that you are here?"

"Give me a few moments in the bathroom." he said. "Then I will meet her."

"Listerine and a breath mint." Sonny explained to Frank. "Decomposing blood has an unpleasant odor, and unless we follow strict oral hygiene, our breath can be truly awful. Not what we want to have when meeting the woman we love."

"He did feed right here?" Frank was aghast.

"Frank, he has been in that bank floor for twelve hours, with that lady sitting next to him, clinging to him. He could hear her heart beating all that time, and he found it quite distracting. He could not attempt to make the smallest unobtrusive cut because his hands were tied behind him, and the robbers kept watching them for any movement. He knew that if they panicked they might start shooting, so he had to make himself stay calm, make the other hostages stay calm, and talk reason to the robbers, and all the time he had to forget how much he wanted to feed. He kept giving me information through the link we have so that I could negotiate. I think that he's earned his reward, don't you think so?"

"This is a police station, for God's sake! Is there nothing sacred? Next thing you will tell me that you have fed in a church."

"Julian never did that."

"And you?"

"Once or twice." Sonny admitted bashfully.

"And you admit it..." Frank shrugged. "I guess I should be accustomed to it by now, but you can be so blatant at times...Sonny, did you ever feed off me?"

"Never when we were on duty. I needed you alert at all times."

"But off duty?"

"A couple of times only."

"All right, next time you do it, don't put me under. I want to know what is going on."

"There is nothing to it, really."

Julian came out of the bathroom. "I can meet her now." he said to Frank.

"She is in the main room. She loves you, man. And you have been lying to her for too long. It is time you came clean with her, while she can still forgive you for your lies."

"Frank," Julian said severely. "I would appreciate your not commenting on my private life."

"Why? because you want to wreck it on your own? She adores you, and you are going to blow it."

Julian gave him a severe look, and left him and Sonny to meet Caitlin.

o

"Julian." she threw her arms around him and kissed him, deeply. "I...I was worried about you. I tried to be here, but they told me to go home. They said that I was in their way."

She ran her hands on his hair, kissing him on the mouth, the cheeks, the ears, any place that her lips could find.

"Caitlin. I thought at times I would never see you again. That was what I regretted most about dying, losing you. Everything else I was resigned to lose, but not you."

He was grateful that he had stopped to feed off Miss Lacey. The heartbeat of Caitlin was a steady reminder of how much he wanted her. If he had not fed already he would have taken her there, not stopping in his need for her until her heart was faltering. Then he would give himself to the greatest pleasure he knew, sharing of himself, cutting himself open and letting the blood pour into her with all his love and need for her. For one sublime moment they would be of one blood and one mind. And today, when he had almost lost her, he felt his resistance give way. He could not die, she could not lose him before they had tasted that pleasure, before they were truly joined in mind and body.

Caitlin was sobbing quietly. He forced himself to turn from thoughts of her embrace. She could not know what he wanted, could not give consent... But he could allow her to remember, an impish voice within himself tempted him. And Caitlin would agree to it.

o

"He will not do it." Sonny muttered to Frank. "I do not know why he is so stubborn about it. Everyone knows that she is crazy about him, and that he is crazy about her. So why not make an honest woman out of her?"

"You mean an honest Kindred?"

"Comes about the same thing. Look at them and tell me that they don't belong together."

o

"You should have taken us with you." Cash said. "That was what you have bodyguards for."

"And risk a shootout? Not to mention showing up in the five o'clock news?"

"Yeah, but think of how it looks, the Prince of the City tied up and cowering behind humans with guns."

"I prefer seeing it as the Prince of the City setting up an example on how to maintain the Masquerade even at the cost of personal comfort and wounded pride. That is what I expect Kindred to do when faced with a crisis situation. And I was not cowering. I was talking to them, reasoning with them, getting through to them. I prefer to see it as an example of a successful negotiation."

"With your hands tied behind your back?"

"You do not need your hands to negotiate."

"I bet that Cameron had a good laugh on that." "Probably. I am not going to worry about what he thinks is funny. After all, if it had been him there, he would have done the same."

"Yeah, he would. I saw how Caitlin clung to you. She is afraid to lose you."

Julian stared at him. "Are you going to lecture me about her, again?"

"You know that things don't change. She is the best thing that happened to you. And you are going to lose her, because you are not doing it right. You tell her too many lies, man, too many evasions. One day she will figure out that these things don't add up. The one question is will she ever forgive you for it? I would come clean with her while she is still willing to forgive you."

"Have you been talking to Frank Kohanek about this?"

"Why? because he said the same thing to you?"

"You know why I cannot come clean with her. I would have to embrace her. That is our Law."

"I think that she would be more than willing. I saw how she looks at you."

"She wouldn't know what she would be getting into."

"She would do fine."

"It feels like a... a corruption, a taint."

"It is not. Our condition is what we make of it. Isn't that what we always tell new Kindred, that the evil or good they do is their choice?"

"If that is so, why I am hounded by guilt, why can't I ever be free of this sense that I am unclean?"

"Because you have been in a bad, nasty war. I can find you plenty of human war veterans who have the same problems that you do. They even have a name for it, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Hell, considering what you went through, it would be a miracle if you did not have it. It has nothing to do with being Kindred. The only way that you could ..taint Caitlin would be to put a gun in her hand and tell her to go kill your enemies. That she would never forgive you for. Embracing means only asking her to share your life. She would have to give up very little of the life she has now."

"Including having children?"

Cash did not answer this.

"She may want children one day. I think that she wants them now."

"She wants children and you haven't bothered to tell her that you only shoot blanks? Forgive me for being crude, but if that is what it takes to get through your thick skull, I will say it that way. You can never give her children, and she should know it. Either she accepts it or she doesn't, but you should not keep her on a string. Let her decide whether to find herself a man who can, try for artificial insemination, or adoption, or just do without."

"I don't want to give her up." Julian confessed. "I need her too much. I love her too much to give her up."

"But not enough to come clean with her and embrace her." Cash rolled his eyes. He remembered Frank's comment not so long ago: 'how can anyone so smart be so stupid?' Julian was going to blow it.

o

Cameron guffawed.

"So Luna spent all those hours tied up, and trying to convince a human with a gun not to blow him away? I would have loved to see it."

"Too bad that he survived." Gray said.

"Well, we can't have everything."

Cameron turned his attention to the business at hand.

"There must be a way to turn this to our advantage."

"They are making songs and jokes about it, about our cowardly Prince of the City."

"Songs and jokes." Cameron thought about it. The temptation to use them was strong. But he could see farther than Gray did. "How many hotheads with guns have we got in the Brujah?"

"Too many." Gray acknowledged.

"I hate Luna with a passion. I live for the moment when I can put his head on my table and spit on his face. But in this instance he was right. He had to maintain the Masquerade. If we ever hint that we look down on him for that, we would be giving permission to our hotheads to get into silly heroics and draw attention to themselves when they are caught in a crisis situation. Then they would break the Masquerade, and Luna would have an excuse to purge us. I do not intend to give him that excuse."

"So you will..."

"Send him a strongly worded statement of support for his behavior under pressure. Get on record supporting him. With luck some Gangrel hotheads with guns will get into the trouble we want to avoid, and we will have an excuse to demand a purge of the Gangrel. That would put Luna in a bad position. We will show him that we can be just as sanctimonious and hypocritical as he is."

"You think that he is that?"

"Of course he is. Or have you fallen for that cant of his about wanting peace? The only peace he wants is that of supreme power. He wants to be king, dictator, Great PoohBah, whatever you call it. And anyone who gets in the way he will crush. He is a killer, never forget that."

"He says that it is all in the past. That it was war and that war leads people to do terrible things."

"It was not war that killed my friends, it was Luna. Someone's hand held that gun, and it was not an abstraction like war. It was Julian Luna's hand that pulled the trigger. I'll never allow him to make me forget it."

"He says that he thought it was a rightful execution."

"He says, of course."

"Didn't Archon himself confess to it?"

"So what? Julian was his golden boy, his pride and joy, the apple of his eye. Of course he lied to protect him. And even if it was true, following orders is not a defense. If it was they would not have hanged Eichmann."

Cameron's mouth twisted into a grimace. One day he would have power over Julian Luna. One day he would make him confront what he was, make him confess to his lies. Then he would kill him. It might take him years, decades, centuries, but he would get that head in the end.

"How about Caitlin Byrne?" Gray brought forward a folder. "the human reporter that he is romancing? He is vulnerable through her. We may be able to do with her what Eddie Fiori did with his descendant, Sasha."

"Are you asking me permission to do it, or have you just gone ahead and done it?"

"I am suggesting it." "Good, because if you ordered it done, I would have taken your head right now. I know what Eddie Fiori did. When I first became Primogen, I was curious as to how Fiori lost his head. After reviewing his actions, I am curious as to how he kept it so long. I guess Luna preferred dealing with a stupid adversary. Sasha made a good hostage, but the value of a hostage is spent once you do what you threaten to do. I will not repeat Fiori's mistake. I will offer Luna, in good faith, immunity from any Brujah attack to his reporter. And will wait to see what he is willing to give in return."

"Eddie Fiori was a very different man from you." Gray said, admiringly.

"Eddie Fiori was a bastard who only cared about Eddie Fiori. Him and Cyrus, and the whole of that gang, all they care about is their wealth and power. The Brujah exist only to give it to them, and if ordinary Brujah get hurt or killed, that's the breaks. All that matters is to make the boss richer and more powerful. I do not know who I hate more, Luna or them."

"The Brujah were not always like this."

"No, we were not. We have a long and proud history. Cursed be the Brujah who began embracing into the bootlegger gangs. We got all these Capone wannabes discovering this underground society, all this secret organization, and the next thing we know they take us over and turn us into an imitation Chicago gang. But the time of the gang bosses will come to an end. I might help bring it to an end, and we will reclaim our rightful heritage."

"And may that day come soon."

o

Frank finished making his statement to Caitlin about the bank robbery, the hostage crisis, and the aftermath. He kept a low profile on Julian's actions, as Julian had asked him to. Nevertheless the other hostages had talked about him, how he had stayed calm and helped them stay calm too, and how he had repeatedly reasoned with the robbers, convincing them to listen to the police negotiator entreaties. Julian did not want to become the hero of the hour, but he would not be able to avoid some publicity for a few days. Well, as Caitlin's boss, Julian could ask her as a personal favor to respect his privacy as much as she could. What was the point of sleeping with your star reporter if you cannot ask her not to be hounded just for doing the right thing under pressure?

"This is all on the record." Frank said. "Off the record..."

"Off the record? What is it, Mr. Kohanek, are you going to try to warn me again that Julian might be some criminal with a dark past?"

"Julian is no criminal. He is one of the good guys. But there are some things you should know about him. You are close to him, very close. All right, I know that you two are lovers. And there are things that he has not discussed with you that I think he should. I am speaking as his friend here, and I do not like what he is doing to you or to himself."

Caitlin blanched. This came very close to the one thing that bothered her in her relationship with Julian, how little she knew about him. She tried to brazen it out.

"In other words, you are now interfering with his private life."

"Someone has to. For example, has he ever told you that he is sterile? That he can never have children?"

"He hasn't." The subject of children had never come up between them. She had not wanted to talk about the child she had given up, either.

"Well, that is one thing that he has to clear up with you. I know that he does not want to confront you with it, but it is something that you two must discuss. The other is much worse."

"What is it?" What deep dark secret had she wanted not to know about him? There was something...something that kept banging into her consciousness. But when she tried searching for it, all she got was the assurance that she could trust Julian in all things.

"Julian is no criminal, I told you. He has helped us unofficially more than once. But because of his position, of what he is, and some of the things he does, he has attracted the attention of some of our criminal elements. You remember the photos I showed you a couple of years ago?"

"Yes. You suggested that he might have been involved in a killing." Julian had denied it, of course. The denial had not sounded true. Anyone else, she would have kept digging for the information. With him a voice inside insisted that it was all right, that she need not look any further, because she already knew the truth.

"Yes, he was in a way. What happened was an attempt on his life, and one of his bodyguards was killed. I know that there have been other attempts. Not lately, but there have been. I keep telling Julian that he cannot trust the markmanship of assassins forever. One day you will catch a stray bullet. He owes you protection, or the choice to walk away. For your own safety, have this discussion with him. I know that you love him, but is your love for him worth your life?"

"Mr. Kohanek..." Caitlin was upset by this last revelation. Yes, there were too many things that she and Julian did not discuss. And in spite of her feelings, she must start asking hard questions of him.

"Frank. Call me Frank."

"I...I will have to think about this."

"Please do. I like you, and I like him, and I don't want to have to tell him that you got killed by a bullet meant for him."

o

"Cameron threatened Caitlin." Julian told Sonny. "Not directly. No, he offered her immunity as a gesture of goodwill, and wants to see a similar gesture from my part. He wants to see proof of my goodwill."

"And what did you offer in return?" Sonny felt dread come onto him. So it had finally happened. Now it was up to Julian to understand that there was only one solution. "I got a three day extension to think over what I want to give him."

"Julian, embrace Caitlin." It had to be done. He had to convince Julian of it. "Today, tomorrow at the latest. Don't let Cameron do to her what Fiori did to Sasha."

"I can't." Julian looked truly miserable as he shook his head.

"Then break up with her and get her to leave town. Not to L.A., send her to a city with a Ventrue Prince who would be willing to keep an eye on her. She is a target now. As a Ventrue she would be directly under your protection and they could not go after her without risking reprisals. As a human, she can be accidentally killed, and you will take the blame for putting her in the line of fire."

Julian said nothing. He knew that Sonny was right. He had wanted to ever since he had been released from his ordeal. And now he had the perfect excuse to do it. But if Caitlin hated him for it...if she came to hate the life he offered her...

"Julian, all this time you told me not to interfere in your private life. You told me that you never dreamed of telling Archon how to conduct his, so I should do the same with you, never mind that Archon never had much of a private life. Well, that is over. Cameron's threat has made Caitlin very much Ventrue business. If it impairs your ability to negotiate with the Brujah, then all Ventrue, all clans have a say in this. And what we have to say if that you got forty eight hours to resolve the situation with Caitlin. Embrace her. That is her only safety now."

"I know that you are right, Sonny. But how can I go and tell her how I am going to change her life? How can I face her, confess to all my lies, all my evasions, and tell her how she will have to live from now on?"

"The way you faced me when you had to." Sonny's voice was warm now, even tender, "The way you held me, asking me to trust you, telling me that there would be pain and that I would be afraid, but that you would not let me die. The way you kept me safe in your arms."

"It is not the same thing."

"Julian, I like Caitlin. I do not want anything to happen to her, and the only way to protect her now is to embrace her into the Ventrue. We have no choice. Either you do it, or I'll do it."

"Sonny!" "If she is mad afterwards, I'll take the whole blame. But I will not have the Prince of the City hamstrung because his love life is out of control. I love you, Julian. Remember that I will be doing this for you."

"Sonny, don't."

"Why? Will you do it?"

"You gave me forty eight hours. I will have it done by then."

0

Caitlin tossed in her bed. The words of Frank Kohannek preyed on her mind. There were many thing she did not know about Julian, things that perhaps she did not wish to know... How could she feel that she knew him so intimately, and at the time lack the basic information about him. When and where was he born? Who were his parents? Did he have any family? Where had he gone to school?

Anyone else but Julian, she would have gone on digging until she found out. But not Julian... She knew nothing his past. And yet she felt she knew him more intimately than anyone she had ever met, befriended, or slept with. He had shared his greatest secret with her, once. And she had trusted him ever since... Julian was everything she could wish in a man...

No, it was not that. There was something that she needed, that she wanted, that she recognized only in Julian, that she sensed she could achieve only through him... No, that was not it, either. What was the nature of her relationship with Julian? Was he deceiving her? And why was she so willing to be deceived?

"Archon..." she said half asleep "You called Archon your sire, what does that mean?"

"Do you wish to know?"

"Archon..."

"Do you wish to learn about Julian, about me? Do you wish to know what you seek through him?"

There was someone at the foot of the bed, someone who kept flickering in and out of her sight as she fell deeper into sleep

"Archon is your sire..." she muttered.

"Yes, I am Archon, I am his sire. Do you know what that means?"

"No, what does it mean?"

"You learned once. In Manzanita. Remember when he was so weak, to the point of dying and you saved him? Remember what you did?"

"I cut my arm and let him drink my blood until I knew that he would live."

"You understand what that means?"

"He is a vampire."

"We call ourselves Kindred."

"I had to forget. According to his Law I would have to die or be embraced."

"He may have to embrace you, but he needs to know that you will not hate him for it."

"Embrace? That I should become.."

"Kindred? Yes."

"I would have to live like he lives..."

"And you do not know how he lives. He has kept that part of his hidden from you."

"He is a good man, I know that. Or is this another of his deceptions? He can make me forget what I saw. Can he make me believe things that are not true? Is he really a killer?"

"He used to be one. That is my shame. But he has laid down his gun and will not pick it up again. He is not a killer now."

"But the blood...he explained that humans should not fear them, no more than they should fear other humans. Is that really true?"

"I will show you what to expect. I hope you choose to stay at his side, because he needs a woman like you to achieve his destiny. But if you choose to turn away I will not force you to stay."

o

Cash and Frank were already on their second beer when Sonny joined them.

"It is down to the wire with Caitlin." he said. "He will have to embrace her, and soon. Cameron has already threatened her. I told Julian that if he does not do it himself I will. I will not watch her get killed because Julian feels queasy about the idea of her being Kindred when she has a full human life still ahead of her."

"And if you do not do it, I will." Cash said. "This lady is the best thing that happened to him, and he is ready to blow it. She adores him and he is crazy about her. And he will blow it anyway, because that is the way Julian is. But you are right. I will not watch her die senselessly when I can prevent it. I waited too long with Sasha. I will not make the same mistake with her."

"What is it like?" Frank asked.

"The embrace?"

"To do it, or to have it done?" Cash asked.

"Both I guess."

"Why do you want to know? Are you thinking of jo

ining the club?"

"Not yet, thanks. I want to have kids of my own."

"To have it done...it is like bungee jumping." Sonny said. "It is an act of trust. What your sire does is take you to the point of death, and then brings you back. You have to trust him or her not to let you die. You go into irreversible shock. You are cold and in pain, and all that holds you to yourself is the voice of your sire asking you to trust, to believe that you will return. It takes an eternity, and the stray thought comes to you that you are being tricked, that you will die. Then something warm and wet touches your lips. You understand what it means, and begin to drink greedily. And when you do you touch your sire's mind. You know what he knows, you feel what he feels, think what he thinks. For the time that your mouth fastens to the open wound you see through his eyes...you touch his soul. I touched Julian's soul." his voice became thick with emotion. "I know him, I know what he is, intimately. He has a beautiful soul, Frank. You or I would be fortunate to have a soul half as beautiful as his. And when I see the way he condemns himself, and suffers from guilt that he does not deserve it breaks my heart."

"To do it, well, it is like having sex." Cash said, eager to break the mood. "It is our way of having reproductive sex. And like sex, it can be the mechanical, sordid way of achieving satisfaction at the expense of someone else, or it can be the most sublime expression of love. And everything in between."

"And what will it be for Caitlin?" Frank asked.

"If Julian trusts himself, it will be sublime love." Sonny said. "If I or Cash do it, it will be frienship, concern, affection. If one of the Brujah succeeds in doing it, it will be sordid. We do not want it to be sordid for her."

o

"This is the first lesson in the world of the Kindred." Archon said to Caitlin who followed him in a half-trance. "Not the most important, but one that must always be answered first when you are asked to join. I will show you how to feed. And in a way it will be the hardest lesson for you to learn."

"I do not have to kill, do I?"

"No, you do not. But there is something harder that you have to learn, a lesson that goes against something very deep in you, that cuts to the core of your identity."

The young man they met quickly slid into unconsciouness. Archon showed Caitlin how to make the cut, then let her put her mouth to the wound. She drank, grimacing.

"You are doing well, but that is not the hard part. Release him now. What you have taken he will not miss."

Caitlin released the young man, and Archon showed her how to close the wound.

"Is that all, is it that easy?"

"Yes. And you'll be surprise how blatant we can be. What we lose in menace we make up in brazeness. There is not place too crowded for us to feed, if we can achieve a few moments privacy. No place is too exalted for us. Kindred have fed at Buckingham palace, a few feet from the Queen."

"Did any feed on Princess Di?"

"A couple did. But do not ask what they found out from her. That is part of this lesson too."

"So that is this lesson?"

He turned to the young man who was still entranced.

"What can you tell me about this man?"

"He seems to be about twenty five. Blond, married. A bit overweight. Not the athletic type."

"Do you know his name?"

"I can ask him." she turned to him to ask the question.

Archon put a finger to her lips. "No, you cannot take advantage of his mental state to extract information from him. You cannot go through his pockets or any briefcase he may be carrying to learn about him. You cannot strike a conversation with him."

"But how am I to find out? Am I supposed to read his mind?"

"No, you are supposed not to find out at all. You must not presume that by taking his blood you have the right to impose on him. What you have done does not constitute a proper invitation. You must respect his privacy. You do not wish to learn his secrets. If you find out, by accident, you must pretend you saw nothing. You do not know him. If you see him afterwards, he will still be a stranger."

"Is that one of the rules? Seems a bit silly to me."

"Probably it does. What it means is that when you feed you cannot be a reporter. Any sneaky, underhanded trick you know to extract information you must put aside when you feed. Unless it is a real emergency situation, when innocent lives are at stake, you cannot invade your source's privacy. They have the right to keep it, as you have the responsibility to keep them safe until they regain consciousness and can leave you on their own."

"Is there a reason for it? Or it is just to make yourselves feel more ethical about the whole business?"

"Yes, it helps us feel more ethical. But there is also a very good reason for it. It keeps emotionally needy Kindred from assuming that a relationship exists with those they take blood from, and then trying to continue that relationship, making demands that cannot be met. And it keeps overfriendly Kindred from latching up to emotionally needy humans, who will be making demands that cannot be met either. If you are not sure what I mean, watch "Fatal Attraction." Sometimes the Kindred may play Glenn Close, and sometimes Michael Douglas. And sometimes both. There are plenty of emotionally needy humans and emotionally needy Kindred, and when the two get together the results are quite grim, so we try to avoid it ever starting."

"But not the whole reason. You do not think that I am emotionally needy nor overly friendly, do you?"

"No, I think that you are predatory."

Caitlin frowned at the word. "How can you say that?"

"I say that because you are an aggressive reporter that will stop at nothing to get at a story. All reporters, if they are any good, are predatory. You will insinuate yourselves on people, push them, make them assume there is a relationship, and then pounce on any lead they offer you. Don't try to excuse yourselves. You actually take pride on being hard-nosed. You do use people when you have to."

"But that is different from...from this."

"Predatory behavior in one area spills into predatory behavior in another. It took us about two hundred years to figure that one out. That is why you must not be predatory in any way when you feed. If you are tempted to use the people you feed on for information, one day you will be tempted to do worse. It has happened, and those who swear they keep both separate are the first to fall. Do you remember that children's hospital story when you first met Julian? The doctor there started just embezzling funds that would have gone buy supplies and food for the patients. He did not use them for blood yet. But then he decided that as long as he was getting away with so much, he could get away with more, that no one was paying attention to him or the children anyway. That's when we caught on with him, and Julian had him taken out. Guard against the temptation to cut ethical corners. Be as predatory as you need to be in your profession, because that is its nature. But leave your profession behind when you seek to feed, for your safety, and that of all Kindred."

"Is this the hard lesson?" Caitlin gulped. It was, she realized, but did not like to admit it.

"It is hard for you, because of what you are, and because your identity is too wrapped up in your job. Yet you must learn it. Each day, when you feed, no matter what you see, no matter what attracts your attention, no matter how tempted you are, you pretend you saw nothing."

"It is not that hard." she lied. "Not with this one. But let's say that he has a briefcase, and the briefcase is open when you approach him. And you see a word which reminds you of a case you are working on."

The briefcase appeared, and as expected there were papers with their letterheads exposed.

"From the White House itself!" Caitlin said, and moved towards them.

Archon stopped her. "You see? This is exactly what you cannot do, ever."

"That is cheating. You showed them to me after I fed."

"Would that have made a difference?"

"Yes, because if I saw them before, I would have looked at them, gotten the information, and then found someone else to feed from."

"You learn quick." Archon laughed "Yes, that keeps the letter of the Law. But don't play those games with yourself. One day you will be caught. I told you, this is a hard lesson, the hardest you will have when you learn how to be Kindred. And you will learn it because you have to."

o

"Will he do it?" Frank asked.

Sonny shrugged "He asked me for forty eight hours. I will give him that. Afterwards, I will take over. If Caitlin hates me afterwards, so be it. At least she will be alive to hate me."

Cash looked at his watch. "Julian should be joining us by now. He always does at this time."

Sonny shook his head. "He will not come. He is being miserable all by himself. Why is it that there are so many bastards around who never feel guilty about anything, while Julian is always condemning himself? And why can't Julian trust us to comfort him when he is feeling like this? I hope that when he embraces her, she can talk him out of his dark moods and reassure him better than I can."

o

"Now, I wish you to learn about yourself, and why I want you at Julian's side in the years ahead. I will show you something and you must choose. There is not shame in your choice. This is not what you should choose, but what your heart's desire leads you to. You must know your heart's desire before you meet Julian again."

The room they were in changed. There were two tables set apart. In one table a baby laid in a bassinet, sleeping contentedly. In the other a sword shone, and next to it was a scepter.

"That sword..." Caitlin said, moving towards it. "There is something special about it."

"Yes, there is." Caitlin touched the sword. "This is..."

"This is the sword of Joan of Arc. And the scepter is Elizabeth the First's. And this is your heart's desire, not the baby, not the children you will not be able to have, ever again. Not even intimacy with Julian. You want to be a heroine, change the world."

"Is that wrong?" Caitlin bristled, remembering all those who had mocked her in her childhood when she had spoken of it.

"It is your heart's desire. There is no right nor wrong in learning what you yearn for in your heart."

Caitlin turned in the other direction. "The baby..." she said guility.

"Your daughter, which you had to give up, because you could not give her a good home. She has one now."

Archon gestured and the baby became a little girl, running and laughing on the lawn. Two adult figures approached, a man and a woman, and the girl ran to them. "She has parents who love her. Her life is what it should be. You chose well when you gave her up. Give her up in your mind, too. Do not be burdened with guilt for doing the right thing."

"She does not need me, does she?"

"Not anymore. But there is a whole world that needs you. Turn back to the sword and scepter, and learn about your destiny and Julian's."

Caitlin moved back towards the sword and took it in her hands. "Joan saved France from the English invaders and paid the price for it." Archon said. "Elizabeth the First repulsed the Spanish invasion and led England to prosperity and greatness. These are your heroines, Caitlin. All your life you wished to be like them. And now you can. That is what truly attracted you to Julian. No, do not argue. I know what else Julian is, his virtues and his faults. I know that you have many other reasons, besides this, to love him. But this is the one reason why you overlooked his evasions and forgave him his lies. This is why, knowing all his faults, knowing all your doubts, you continue to love him."

"Because he can lead me to my destiny?"

"Yes. And because you can help him with his. He has a destiny, Caitlin. There is greatness in him. He has much to accomplish, and only limited time in which to do it. You must help him. Lillie would never do it. She does not believe in his destiny. She never liked me, for I was the one who sent Julian in missions from which he might not have returned. She broke up with him because the pain of waiting for his return every time was more than she could bear. It was not her fault, really."

"And you think that it will be different with me?"

"Yes, because you have the same hunger than he does. He will achieve his destiny, and you will then achieve yours. You will wield the sword and scepter one day, after he is gone from you."

"Do you know the future?"

"I know what might be. I know the alternatives, I know what should not be, but might happen. I can help you and Julian in your choices, but I cannot force either of you."

"Can you see it?"

"Some of it."

"Show me what will happen."

"No, if you saw it, it would give you false confidence, because the future is not certain, it is only what it might be. And some of it would distress you."

"You said that Julian would be gone from me."

"One day death will take him, and you will witness it."

"How?"

"It is far in the future. Do not ask to see it. It will only distress you."

"It does not seem to distress you." "

It does not distress me to know the manner of Julian's death. There is no pain for me in knowing how he will rejoin me so that I can put my arms around him again. For me there is joy in this knowledge. For you it will be painful, because you will lose him and won't be able to rejoin him until your own death. Being Kindred does not banish death, only postpones it, and one day it will claim Julian, and later it will claim you. If you have chosen well you will have both achieved your destinies, and there will be no bitterness in leaving your lives behind."

"Destiny...that is all good. But I want Julian's love."

"You have it. He could not love you more than he does now. And yet his love is not the love you seek. Julian has been damaged in the war. I helped damage him, and all my regrets, all my sincere desire to make amends will not undo the damage. He is incapable of the intimacy you seek. He is hounded by guilt, undeserved guilt my child, that he does not know how to get rid of. The guilt cannot destroy him now, but will not let him rest, either. It goads him into deeds that would prove his worthiness to others and himself. He has turned it into a positive force in his life, and yet the suffering is still there. And this suffering is what will keep you from being happy together. But if you cannot love him as a lover, you can love him as a leader, as a guide, as an inspiration. He is the one who will put Joan's sword and Elizabeth's scepter into your hands, and teach you how to use them wisely. Love him for what he can give you, and forgive him for what he cannot."

o

He had to do it. He remembered the pain of Sasha's embrace, and her reproach at his unwillingness to embrace her himself. He had doomed her to be Brujah with the best intentions in the world. He could not doom Caitlin too.

But how could he do it? Could he admit to Caitlin all the lies had told her? Could he made her want to be embraced? What is she said that she would rather die than become what he was? What if she dared him to kill her, to keep his own Law?

"Embrace her, anyway." a voice within him said "If she cannot take it, she can always kill herself afterwards. But give her a chance to live."

What if she struggled, if she fought him off? Did he have the heart to subdue her if she did? ...did he have the heart to break her neck if she continued to refuse her one chance to live?

"Embrace her while she can still forgive you. She loves you, and will accept it if that means being with you forever."

She may hate him instead. Could he look into her eyes and see hatred there?

From far away he heard the car drive up to the entrance of his home. He heard the door open and slam shut. Then he heard the main door open, and the sound of high heels against the wooden floor.

"Julian." Caitlin came up in front of him. "I want you, all of you, all that you are, all that you have been, all that you might be."

"Caitlin..." her rose from his chair. He would have to do it now. But how explain it to her?

"I want to share your life. I want to know you. I want to love you in all ways. I want to know what is to be loved in you, and love you for it. I want to know what you need forgiving for, and to forgive you for it. I want to know you to the core, Julian Luna. Make love to me, and let me know you, all of you." She put her hands on his arms and kissed him in the mouth. "Embrace me now, Julian."

"Caitlin, you do not know what you say..." He could not dare hope that she meant that.

"I know. I remembered what really happened in Manzanita. I remembered how you almost died and I brought you back. I remembered all that you told me. And I do not want to forget it again."

"Caitlin..." he felt his misgivings melt away. She was asking him to do what he desired and dreaded most. What he had promised Sonny he would do. Yet he had to try to warn her. "Do you realize what it means?"

"That I will share your life in all ways. That I will finally understand what makes you the kind of man you are, the man that I love. No part of you will be hidden from me. You will never have to risk my anger by lying to me again." She kissed his cheek, and her teeth played with his earlobe. "Do it, Julian, before your lies tear us apart. Make love to me first, then do it."

She unbuttoned his shirt and put her hand underneath, touching his bare flesh.

"Don't you know how much I want you?"

"Caitlin, I want you too. I want you so much, so badly...I could not hope that you would want this...

"But do you want it?"

"With all my heart, with all my soul. Caitlin, you will look into my soul today. I cannot lie to you when you do this. I will never be able to lie to you again..."

She pulled his tie loose as he unbuttoned the back of her dress. She got rid of his coat and shirt as he removed her dress, slip, and bra. With hands and lips they caressed each other's nakedness, pausing only long enough to remove the rest of their clothes.

They lied together, giving in to their need for each other bodies. They reached into each other's passion and gratified their own. Julian felt the steady beating of her heart calling out to him, yet he delayed the moment of his greatest pleasure. He savored all the other pleasures that were given him, learning every inch of Caitlin's body with his fingertips, as she learned every inch of his own body.

Then he gave in. He cut the vein in her throat and fastened his mouth to it. And as he drank, he continued caressing her, driving her to a frenzy that would not let her feel pain nor fear as her human life ebbed away. He felt the need well up in him. Soon, very soon Cailtin and him would taste ecstasy together. But he must wait until she was ready for it. Until her heart gave way to the strain.

Her heart faltered, and with a scream of joy Julian cut a vein in his body, pressing the wound to her mouth. A spasm ran through him as her lips touched it. Then a bright light filled his eyes, blinding him...

He was floating in the light, and Caitlin was with him. Their bodies were left behind, and only their minds, their souls touched. They intermingled, became one, as the stars and planets revolved around them. Caitlin's mind went through his and he went through hers. No more lies, no more evasions. Caitlin knew all about him, as he knew all about Caitlin, and he knew that she loved him, even after learning all that he was, and all that he had done. He knew what she was and what she had done and loved her for it. They joined in mind, as they had joined in body, lost in the ecstasy of each other. It was beautiful, Julian thought. This should go on forever...

o

"Julian is dying." Sonny said. "We have to get to him."

He rose from the table, followed by Cash and Frank.

"How does he know?" Frank panted as he tried to keep up with both of them.

"Julian and Sonny are linked. He is Sonny's sire, after all." Cash turned. "Frank, you cannot keep up with us, and we cannot wait for you."

"Yes, you go ahead. I will drive there and catch up with you."

He saw Cash and Sonny lift up in the air, then raced to his car. He hoped that they would get to Julian in time.

o

Cash cursed violently as he opened the door. There was a large pool of blood on the floor, and on top of it were Julian and Caitlin, naked, both lying senseless.

"His blood or hers?" Sonny asked as he ran towards the two unconscious bodies.

"All his." He pulled Caitlin's mouth off Julian's chest wound. He saw how most of the blood fell off the side of her mouth. She was no longer feeding, but continued to draw on the blood to hold on to the ecstatic vision the two of them shared. Julian moaned in protest as Sonny pushed him away from Caitlin, and applied direct pressure on the wound. Julian's eyes were closed, and he had a blissful smile on his lips.

"We have to get blood back into him, quick. I will go first, then you. Then you wake her and let her give some. With luck by then Frank will be here, and he can contribute."

Julian began a half-conscious protest as Sonny pressed his newly opened wound over Julian's mouth, but he swallowed the blood that fell inside his mouth.

"How could he do such a stupid thing?" Cash shook Caitlin, trying to get her mind working again.

"He loved her too much, the pleasure was too great. It was ecstasy when the blood came pouring out of him, and he wanted it to go on forever. You have embraced a couple of times yourself, and you know that the pleasure is in the giving, not the taking. Even now, doing this, I can feel stirrings of how good it could be, if only I was doing it with somebody that I felt...sexual about."

Caitlin opened her eyes, and trying to focus. "Julian..." she said. "Julian, where are you?"

"He is here. We are taking care of him."

Cash threw a blanket over her and allowed her to see Sonny tending to Julian. Her eyes widened in fear when she saw all the blood spilled on the ground.

"It is all his blood. He loved what you two were doing, and he did not want it to stop. He let himself bleed to keep the orgasm going on forever."

'Is he...Is he hurt?"

"He will be all right."

Frank came in. "What happened here?"

"Julian came close to dying of pleasure. He is not out of the woods yet." Cash explained. "Sonny is giving him of his blood, then me, then you, then Caitlin, if he still needs any. That should get him out of danger."

"Julian..are you all right? Did I hurt you?" Caitlin asked. That was not what she wanted to know, but the right question would not form.

"He will recover." Cash turned to her. "It was not your fault. It was his responsibility to stop, not yours. Now, go and wash yourself. Shampoo your hair. Put on a bathrobe, then come back. Don't argue. Everything is under control."

Caitlin left, looking doubfully at them.

"Thanks," Sonny said. "She keeps herself under control, but she might well have started screaming when she realized she had almost killed him. Not her fault, as you said. Well, it is your turn now."

Cash switched places with Sonny, and began feeding Julian.

"We better start cleaning up this place, Frank." Sonny said . "I can't believe that he did what he did. He loves her so much, and he risked having her kill him, leaving her with that memory...I did not realize that he had that strong a death wish."

"You mean that he let himself bleed because it was a pleasure to him?"

"As I explained before, embracing is a sexual act." Cash said, "Taking the blood is foreplay, giving it is the orgasm. Julian wanted an orgasm that would last forever."

"Seems quite a nice way to go, if you ask me."

"Not when she would wake up and find him dead, in a pool of his own blood."

"Yeah, you are right. And he says he loves her. He is quite messed up, isn't he?"

"Yes, he is. And the worst part is that for all that I love him, I cannot help him." Sonny sighed "I should have realized that there was a reason why he was so unwilling to embrace her. He must have realized what might happen if he tried. The depth of her feeling for her, coupled with his own self-destructive impulses took him to the brink of death."

Julian opened his eyes. "Cai..Caitlin." he asked.

"She is taking a shower." Cash said, stabbing him with his finger. "She has to get all that dried blood out of her hair. She is fine, which is more than can be said for you. And don't struggle. You still have not finished with me. Then you will drink from Frank. Only then you can talk and explain to us what stupid stunt you were trying to pull."

Julian started to protest, but Cash's expression convinced him not to. He continued swallowing for a few more minutes, as his eyes became more alert.

"Okay, Frank, your turn now. Come here, I will make the cut." He did it, and guided Frank's arm over Julian's mouth. "I will tell you when to stop. If he tries to talk, or break free of you before he is done, hit him over the head. Hard."

Frank made a fist with his free hand and mimicked a blow with it, smiling.

"That's it. Hit him hard, for being such an ass."

Cash and Sonny smiled, as they continued cleaning up. Julian kept drinking, meekly, while Frank kept shaking his head.

"He looks recovered enough, Frank. You can let him go. Get yourself something to drink. Non-alcoholic. Any liquid will get your blood volume up again. Ordinarily I would not worry, but you have had more than one beer, and that dehydrates you fast. No coffee or tea, either."

Julian wiped his mouth carefully, then spoke. "Thank you. I..I lost control. It was so...so beautiful."

"So beautiful that you wanted to stay there with her forever." Cash sighed. "Did you think how beautiful it would be for her when she came back and found you dead from too much ecstasy? And look at this mess. Is this what you expect of the Prince of the City who always looks immaculate, with not one hair out of place? Have you caught some kind of virus that makes you act real stupid?"

"I...it took me by surprise. She came in, and told me that she wanted me to embrace her. That she had remembered what had really happened that time I took her to Manzanita. She kissed me, and told me that she wanted me, in every way. Then I started to embrace her, the way I always do it, but she became passionate. I had to make love to her before, and she kept stroking me, kissing every spot of my body she could reach...And I wanted her, in every way. It had never been so good for me before. I wanted to take her to the limit, and back. And I wanted her to take me to the limit and back. I took her blood watching how her heart faltered, and held off my own release for as long as I could. Then I cut myself and poured myself out into her..and then... then we were not here anymore. We were in a place of our own, so beautiful...we were of one mind and one body. It was...it was perfect. All I wanted was to stay there..."

"Well," Cash grumbled "until she learns self-control, or you regain yours, you cannot make love like that again. Don't argue. We cannot be around each time you two want to do it, and she does not need to worry if you are going to survive each time you lie together. And don't bother to get dressed in those clothes." he threw them to Julian, who put them in front of him, as a sort of fig leaf. "They are all ruined with bloodstains. Better get new ones. And take a shower first. Try to look decent, as you usually do."

Caitlin came out, wrapped in a bathrobe. "Julian, you are all right."

She bent to kiss him, and he tried to answer with a kiss of his own, but Cash set himself between them.

"Julian, weren't you listening? You cannot do this until it is safe. Cold shower time, man." Cash virtually pushed Julian away, in the direction of the bathroom.

"What is the matter?" Caitlin asked, sitting down. "He is all right now, isn't he?"

"And we want to keep him that way. I do not know how it happened, or why, but now it is very dangerous for him to make love to you. He nearly died here."

"He nearly died? Are you saying I tried to kill him?"

"Caitlin." Sonny took her hand. "I...I kept urging him to embrace you. I wanted you with us, wanted him to have you in every way, and wanted you to have him in every way. I did not realize that his need for you would be so deep, his passion so intense that he would forget all about personal safety."

"You are saying that we cannot make love again? That I may kill him?" She did not like hearing it. To be accused of wanting to hurt Julian, just as she was coming to..

"You two can make love again," Sonny tried to reassure her. "But not until you learn how to control him. He cannot be trusted to control himself in the midst of his pleasure. Just remember, with us the pleasure is in the blood sharing, in the blood giving. When we take the blood, it is foreplay, when we give it, is the...the climax. And we can keep the climax going on for a long time, but we have to make the wound very small, and draw slowly. I will teach you how to make a safe cut, and how to watch the flow. Never allow him to cut himself when you lie together."

"I know that I will have a lot to learn. I am in my new life, am I not? I am now...Kindred, just like you?" she asked Sonny.

"Yes. Like me, Julian, and Cash."

"And Frank?"

"Frank is just a friend. A very good one."

"A policeman who is Kindred...I bet that you have some stories to tell. Some stories that I never knew how they ended nor how."

"We can tell you now things that it was unsafe for you to know before. But you must remember that you cannot publish them now. And you must forgive Julian for helping to deceive you in those stories. He had the obligation to suppress them, and you now have the same obligation."

"I figured that. But I want to know what really went on."

"Oh, we will tell you about it. Right now if you want."

She looked around. "My clothes..."

"Ruined, I am afraid to say. Julian bled over them, same with his clothes. Next time remember that no matter how great your passion, keep your clothes at a safe distance from any bleeding you plan to do. I will see what Lillie can let you borrow."

"Don't you have any sweatsuits around?"

"Julian doesn't wear sweatsuits."

"You give me the key to your place and I go get you clothes." Frank offered. "She can go now, with me

." Sonny said, suddenly.

"In that bathrobe?"

"It is quite late. And I am going to give her flying lessons. When Julian comes back, tell him where we went."

From the door of the bathroom, which he made sure was closed with Julian on the other side, Cash acknowledge the wisdom of having Caitlin gone by the time that Julian was finished cleaning up and getting dressed. He would have to have a very serious talk with him, to help Julian protect himself from his own death wish, and it was better that Caitlin was not around to hear it.

o

"If I had not seen it I would not have believed it." Frank said, several hours later, as he sat down at the table again. "That he risked dying like that because the pleasure was so great."

"He loves her too much, I think."

"Do you realize the burden this puts on her? She almost killed him, and now they won't be able to be intimate that way until she learns how to keep control. She cannot trust him to do it."

Cash sighed. "I told you that he was going to blow it. He loves her so much, she adores him, and he will wreck it all. It makes you want to beat your head against the wall sometimes. Or beat some sense into his."

"What will be, will be. Julian is Julian. All we can do is watch, and pick up the pieces when we can." Sonny sighed. "No wonder he was afraid of embracing her. He knew how little control he would have once he started. And why he was unwilling to feed from her, because wanting her so much, he would have been tempted to embrace her at that point. I thought he was being stubborn, but he knew himself better than I thought."

"Well, it is done." Frank said. "Caitlin is now one of you, and officially under Julian's protection. Cameron cannot threaten her without declaring open hostilities. I wonder how she is going to use it on her job. She is now a reporter that can put you under, ask you questions that you are unaware you answered, and then go through your papers and you know nothing about it. If I had something to hide I would be really scared. I think that I am scared now."

"Oh, we have some rules about it. She has to respect the privacy of the people that she bleeds. It will not be easy for her to accept it, but she can be made to do it. But yes, I think that she will use this new power she has to get information. We all use it, when we have to. Part of our protection is knowing what will happen, before it does, and being able to prepare for it."

Sonny thought about it. "She is a very sensible woman. More sensible than Julian in some respects. She will use her new power wisely. I just wish that she and Julian had a happier ending."

"So do I." Cash sighed "And so does Frank, but Julian will do what Julian will do. We just have to accept him as he is, love him for what he can do, and forgive him for what he can't".

"I'll drink to that." Frank said, lifting his beer. Reluctantly the other two lifted their respective bottles and clicked them together, in a silent pledge to stand by Julian, even when he was being too stupid for words.


End file.
